The Miss World Beauty Pageant
by Parable
Summary: When France, Spain and Prussia get the idea to start a beauty pageant for their own purposes, they had no idea it would turn into a world wide affair of wackiness and drama as everyone does anything they have to ensure their favored contestant is crowned Miss World. Will the contestants survive this contest? Will the judges stay sane? Not if the rest of the world has their way!
1. A Stupid Idea

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

* * *

Chapter 1: A Stupid Idea

"You're serious?" England asked with a deadpan tone and doubtful expression on his face.

"_Oui_! Perfecty serious."

"A beauty contest." England had to make sure he was hearing this right.

"_Si_, pretty much." Spain confirmed.

"With nations."

"_Ja! Ja! Mein Gott_, is it really that hard to comprehend?" Prussia said with exasperation.

"Yes, as a matter of fact! It is! It really is!" England shouted. "When I want to hear ridiculous schemes, I go to America, not you three! Why are you in my house anyway?"

Inside England's study, the three trouble makers of Europe who had traditionally made his life difficult were now crowded around his desk. How they had gotten in was a mystery. England was sure he had locked the door. He could only hope they had not broken any windows to get him to hear their idiotic scheme.

"Because we need you to propose it at the next World Meeting!" France said.

"And you three cannot do it yourselves because…?" England let the sentence hang inviting what he hoped would be some sort of reasonable explanation.

"Ah," France had the decency to look embarrassed as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, I'm still on probation after that incident with the chipmunks. They won't let me say anything for another week."

England rolled his eyes. "What about you?" he asked Spain. Spain laughed sheepishly.

"Actually, since the last time I proposed something ended up with Russia washing himself with tomato juice for a week, he told me if I ever suggested something during a meeting again, he'd stick his pipe where the sun doesn't shine."

England actually remembered that. Sighing, he turned to Prussia. The red eyed man was just about to speak when England held his hand up to cut him off.

"No. You know what? I don't want to know what you did. I really don't." Rubbing his temples, England wondered why he thought today would be a normal day.

"All right, now just why exactly do you want to hold a beauty contest?"

"To decide which of our lovely lady friends is most lovely in the eyes of the world of course!"

"What lady friends?"

Three voices responded at the same time. All with completely different names.

"Monaco."

"Belgium."

"Hungary."

That last one made England's eyebrows go up.

"Since when in the hell were you friends with Hungary?" he asked Prussia.

"Oh, don't get me wrong." Prussia waved off the question. "She's still a witch with a capital B half the time. But attitude aside, I can't deny she isn't easy on the eyes!"

"Not as much as my little Monaco though!" said France.

"And that's why we thought up a beauty pageant!" Spain exclaimed excitedly. "Not only to settle this three way battle, but to decide among all the fairer nations which of them is queen."

England opened his mouth but the next voice to speak was not his.

"I think it's a great idea!"

The heads of the four male nations all turned to the door, which was now wide open. An eager Seychelles burst into the room. Her hair and loose dress flew behind her as she sped over to England's desk.

"Can anyone just come in here now?" England threw up his arms in frustration.

"England, you have to propose it! You have too!" Seychelles leaned over the desk to stare at England up close. "This is my chance to show myself to the world and finally get people to notice me!"

"You actually want to participate in this madness?" England gave the small nation a baffled look.

"What, you don't think I'm pretty enough?" Seychelles asked angrily.

England had been alive enough centuries to know not to answer that. France, however, had been alive long enough to know when to seize an opportunity.

"Come now, England!" he said while putting his arm around Seychelles. "You wouldn't be so cruel as to ruin this child's chance at international recognition!"

"Yeah, England!" Spain picked up the hint. "Don't be such a killjoy!"

In the face of overwhelming pressure, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland could only do one thing.

* * *

England was not sure how Prussia had got Germany to make a joint proposal with him. The western half of the nation looked about as enthusiastic as England did. Nevertheless, as England demanded, at the next World Meeting, the two sane nations grudgingly proposed the stupid pageant. The overwhelming majority of the world approved it, proving once again that the rest of humanity was insane.

England was surprised by the show of support by the female nations. Seychelles must not be the only one eager to exploit the free publicity. In the three and a half hours they had met so far, many had already declared their intention to sign up. Already England could hear whispers of a betting pool going on over who was most likely to win. The fact that he could hear anything at all was amazing actually, considering the racket at the World Meeting had only gotten louder as everyone tried to chip in ideas.

"Swimsuits!" More than one nation shouted.

"Concert! Live concert!" more musically inclined ones demanded.

"Racing!"

"Dancing!"

"Swimming!"

"Cooking!"

"Starcraft!"

"Shut up, Korea!"

By the end of it all, England had a Blitz level headache. At least they had settled on a date and list of events. At least he thought they had, England had long since lost track of what was going on. Right now the only thing on his mind was the fact that he would kiss anyone who would offer him a bottle of aspirin.

"Enough!" Germany bellowed when the din had gotten completely out of control. Everyone finally shut up. Satisfied, or as satisfied as he could be, Germany continued. "We have all but the final details settled on. Before we go ahead with the organizing effort, is there any more suggestions or questions?"

Almost every single hand went up.

"Oh, bloody hell." England muttered under his breath before looking back at his audience. "Before anyone asks: No, we will not be reconsidering putting mud wrestling on the event list."

Approximately half the hands went down.

"The same goes for wet t-shirt contests." Germany added.

All but one hand went down.

"And blindfolded watermelon smashing."

Japan's hand went down.

"Surrounded by fools." Germany muttered. "If that's all then, we shall begin with the selection of judges right after lunch. Anyone who wishes to volunteer should speak to us in private." He finished by standing up and shouting for all to hear, "This meeting is now in recess!"

* * *

"So what do you make of all this?" America's brother asked as he pulled up in a chair beside him, his hands carrying a tray of food from the Meeting Hall cafeteria.

"Wgelf, I gunow," America started to say before realizing his mouth was still filled with hamburger. Rapidly chewing and taking a gulp from the sports drink to wash it all down, the southern brother was silent for a few seconds while he finished swallowing.

"Well," he repeated before continuing, "I know I'm signing up to judge! Can you imagine the ratings this will bring in? It's like American Idol and Miss America combined into one! I guarantee you at least 80 million viewers one the first night alone!"

"What a coincidence. I was estimating a large viewer turnout as well."

"Yeah, me too! Beauty pageants originated in Korea, you know!"

The North American brothers looked up from their conversation to see Japan and South Korea taking the seats across from them. Both had trays of food with them, not unusual since it was lunch time after all. What was unusual was that both of them were also carrying a small stack of magazines as well. From America's vantage point the magazines were upside down. Turning his head and squinting, the western nation could make out the front covers had pretty women on them and, if his admittedly not so great Japanese and Korean readings were not failing him, blurbs for beauty tips and fashion designs.

"What are those for?" America asked, pointing at the magazines.

"These are our study guides." Japan explained. "Using our beauty expertise we'll win the pageant for sure."

America and Canada exchanged worried glances.

"Uh, you do know the pageant is for girls only, right?" Canada said.

"Oh, God. You guys aren't going to dress up in drag, are you?" America had a horrified expression on his face.

"No!" Korea shouted. "Were sponsoring one of the contestants! With the whole world watching this is a prefect chance to show off all our advancements in fashion and entertainment. Regardless of which girl wins, if she's wearing our stuff and using our styles then everyone will totally dig us! We'll be the beauty capital of the world!"

"Sponsor? You can do that?" Canada said with surprise.

"There is no rule that says you cannot." Japan said. "And the Europeans are already doing it so the girls of their choice can win."

Sure enough, when America and Canada looked around the cafeteria, they saw evidence of just that taking place. France was talking animatedly with Monaco. At another table Spain was sweet talking Belgium. Over in a corner Prussia was whispering fiercely with a not so happy Hungary and Austria. And that was just the nations closest to them.

"Wow, what cheaters." America said while taking another bite from his burger. "Whole thing was their idea and they're already trying to fix it in their favor. So what, are you dressing up China in drag then?"

"Ew. That just sounds wrong." Korea made a face of distaste. "No. We're gonna be Taiwan's managers! With the combined power of the Japanese-Korean style we shall stand as number one!"

Taking another drink, America recalled one of the times Japan had taken him down one of his major shopping districts in Tokyo. He suddenly started laughing so hard he had to put his drink down or risk choking.

"Oh, God," he snickered, "I hope the judges like the whole gothic doll look, 'cause if your fashion sense is as bad as I remember it, Taiwan is in for it."

"There is nothing wrong with the Gothic Lolita style!" Japan said huffily. "And that is far from the only fashion I have. Not to mention I excel at singing and physical activities!"

"And nobody beats Korea when it comes to dancing and cooking!" Korea said defensively.

"Yeah, whatever." America continued laughing. "Oh, man, between you two and whatever the others have cooked up, this is going to be hilarious."

"You think you can do better?" Korea said loudly.

America stopped laughing, but could not keep the giant smirk off his face. "Of course I can. Anything you can do I can do better. And that includes beauty contests."

"Care to bet on that?" There was a dangerous glint in Korea's eyes now. "I'll wager a year's supply of kimchi burgers that our girl comes out on top over yours!"

Benjamin Franklin had once said there were two constants in life; Death and Taxes. A couple centuries or so later, Einstein had offered a similar set of absolutes; the Universe and Human Stupidity. Both lists had missed something. There was a fifth undeniable truth: Americans will never say no to free food. There was absolutely no way in the universe America would turn down free food. It was written in his genes so that he could not say no. Coupled with the fact that America was just naturally competitive led to the obvious.

"You are so on!" America leaped from the table. "Me and my girl are going to smoke you!"

America grabbed Canada's shoulder and gave him a firm shake. "Dude, bro. You be judge instead of me! I'm going to get my girl all ready!"

In the blink of an eye, the world's superpower was gone. Canada was rather startled that his brother had just given him an unexpected job. Japan just shook his head all the nonsense. Korea was looking rather pleased with himself until he noticed Canada.

"Hey, who are you?"

* * *

Meanwhile, unable to contain his ideas, America was going down the hall talking to himself and practically running in no particular direction.

"My girl will have the best dress. Tailored in New York! And she'll get Special Forces training to be in top notch shape! If my girl gets American style cooking down, she's be able to make dishes from around the world!"

This went on for a while. Then, several minutes later, in the midst of all his planning, common sense finally kicked in. A single, self-evident truth hit him.

"Wait, shit! I don't have a girl!"

Five minutes of fruitless pacing and worrying later, America was finally able to think rationally.

"Okay, let's get this straightened out." He said to himself. "Fact: I don't have contestant to sponsor. Fact: I need a contestant to sponsor. So my mission to it get a contestant to sponsor! Gah, this is stupid!"

America went back to pacing. He racked his brain for all the female nations he knew. There was a depressing lack of names popping up. Why was it that when you really needed to remember something you just could not recall what it was. Maybe if he just went in order of all the nations he knew best.

Starting at World War Two, America went down the list. England, France and Canada were not girls. Neither was Germany or Russia. As much as he liked to make fun of China's appearance America knew he was a guy. Japan was a dude. Italy? While he would not exactly call either of them men, they certainly weren't female. World War Two was not helping.

What next? The Korean War? Korea was male. So was the other Korea. No good.

After that was the…

"Oh, this will be awkward."

* * *

Back in the cafeteria a lone Southeast Asian nation was sitting at an empty table, not bothering anyone and keeping quietly to herself. With long dark hair and a statuesque figure, she was undoubtedly attractive. It was no small wonder that at least three great powers had fought for her. At this moment however, she was left to her own devices and had chosen to simply be by herself and have a nice cup of tea.

America yanked out the chair next to her and dropped down on it so suddenly she practically leaped out of her skin and almost spilt her drink on the floor.

"Hi, Vietnam!" he said with a broad smile. "How you been?"

* * *

Like it so far? Review if you do! Don't like it at all? Review anyway!


	2. Teaming Up

Discalimer: I do not own Hetalia

* * *

Chapter 2: Teaming Up

"You're serious?" Vietnam looked at America skeptically.

"Totally!"

"The beauty pageant?" Vietnam had to make sure she was hearing this right.

"Yep." America nodded eagerly.

"And you want to help me win?"

"Yes, yes, yes already! What is this, Twenty Questions?" America exclaimed.

In Vietnam's hands was a fresh cup of tea, just purchased by America as an apology for making her lose half her of her original cup. After startling her by showing up completely out of the blue, America wasted no time in buttering her up, asking her questions designed to flatter her. Had she lost weight? Was that a new outfit? What was that wonderful shampoo she was using? Then he switched to extolling his own virtues. Did she know that because of Hollywood he was an excellent talent scout? That he was a certified personal trainer? That he hosted more beauty pageants than anywhere else in the world?

Finally the small talk had given way to what America was really after. Namely, her partnership.

"Come on, Vietnam." America said coaxingly. "You are entering the pageant, right?"

Yes, she was. Peer pressure from the other female nations had almost literally forced her hand to pick up the pen and add, "Socialist Republic of Vietnam" to the entrée list.

"And you don't have a manager or anyone sponsoring you right?"

No, Vietnam was forced to admit, she did not have either.

"So let me help you! It'll be a milestone in Vietnamese-American relations! Put the past behind us and all that! Taking a new step into peace time future!"

"But why do want to help –"

"Okay, look," America leaned in close, "Honest to God truth, you're the only girl I really know on a personal level. So our last relationship didn't exactly end well. Let's get past that and focus on the now. All the other contestants are getting people to work with them, if you don't you'll be at a disadvantage!"

Was that true? From the corner of her eye she had noticed Poland laughing while a nervous Lithuania engage an annoyed looking Belarus. Were they going to help the cold Eastern European nation try to win? And there was her one time colonial master, France, handing his tiny neighbor Monaco a jewel studded necklace. Was that to give her an edge in the appeal portion of the pageant?

America saw the obvious uncertainty in Vietnam's face. Seeing her wavering, he pounced like a mountain lion on its prey.

"Come on," he said coaxingly. "You want to win, right? So let me help you!"

Vietnam looked down into her cup. America had made several good points. And if she was in thing she might as well give it her all.

"Okay. We're a team."

* * *

"Liechtenstein, are you sure you want to do this?" Switzerland asked as he handed his sister a platter of food before taking a seat across from her.

"Yes, brother I really want to!" The tiny nation said eagerly. "It looks like fun and I really think I can win!"

Switzerland eyed his younger sibling while she smiled sheepishly under his gaze. Liechtenstein had surprised him when she had immediately put her name down for the beauty pageant as soon as the sign-up sheet had become available. Rarely did she ever take an action so bold, especially without consulting him. Now in the cafeteria, Switzerland had led his little sister to a table of their own. After purchasing food for the both of them, he finally returned to press her for reasons.

"But why?"

Liechtenstein's smile faded. She fidgeted a bit before answering.

"I want to stand out more." she finally said with a sigh. Switzerland looked perplexed.

"Since when was that important to you?"

"Since the last time I talked to Russia and the only thing he remembered about me was that I made his cuckoo clocks." Liechtenstein stated unhappily.

"You shouldn't use Russia as a measure of –"

"And last week America didn't believe I was a nation because I wasn't on any map he'd ever seen."

"America is an idiot! He doesn't know any map that isn't of himself." Switzerland said dismissively. Liechtenstein shook her head.

"He really did have a map of Europe with him." Liechtenstein said. "He said England had been making him study it for a week. But I was so small I wasn't included. And it was made in China! So that means even China overlooks me!"

Switzerland was not sure how to respond to that. Liechtenstein did not expect him to though. She kept talking without giving him a chance to formulate any words.

"I want to enter." she said. "I want to win. I want everyone to see who I am. So everyone can see that I'm more than just a dot on the map. That I can stand on my own two feet!"

Finally, Switzerland laughed. Liechtenstein had actually half expected that to be his reaction, but still flushed with embarrassment. Had her attempt to sound forceful had been overdone? Did she just come across as needy and attention hungry? Maybe this was not a good idea after all. As Switzerland kept right on laughing, people nearby began to stare. Liechtenstein just hung her head so no one could see how red she was becoming.

"All right, you convinced me."

It took a few moments for the tiny country to realize her older brother had stopped laughing.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"I said you convinced me." Switzerland repeated. The laughter was still in his voice and mirth in his eyes, but Liechtenstein could now see he was not making fun of her. "If you have something to prove then go right ahead. You have my full support. I'll even help you get prepared."

Everyone in the cafeteria was treated to the amusing sight of Liechtenstein leaping across the table to embrace her brother.

* * *

"And that's why you have to help me win!" Seychelles finished dramatically.

"No." England said.

The older nation had to admit, he derived a certain amount of pleasure from watching Seychelles sputter indignantly over his blunt rejection. He had arrived late to lunch, having had to sit through interview after interview for the better part of the hour. A number of nations had volunteered to judge the pageant for reasons England could not fathom. Together with Germany they had narrowed it down to the five they thought trustworthy and rejected the rest. With that settled England had turned to more important matters. The most important matter being a cup of tea and a sandwich. No sooner did he obtain his meal and sit down did Seychelles ambush him. With theatric flair Shakespeare would have envied, she presented her case for why England had to support her.

"B-b-but why not?" she whined.

"Because I've already done my part in this brainless scheme." England said curtly. "I'm not lifting another finger to help the rest of you make fools of yourselves."

"But everyone else has gotten another country to help them!"

"Then find another country to help you."

"Ugh! You're such a jerk!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere." England said before bringing his cup to his lips.

Seychelles looked like she wanted to punch him in the face. Instead she turned away with a loud "Harrumph!"

"I should have known France was right about you not having what it takes to win this kind of thing." She muttered.

If Seychelles had been facing towards him, England would have seen the sneaky smile on her face as he spit out his tea.

"Thatfrogsaidwhat?" he exploded.

"Yeah, it's true." Seychelles said innocently. "He said you didn't know beauty from the beast and your sense of femininity was as bad as your cooking."

England slammed his fist on the table. "That snail eating bastard! He thinks just because he has Paris he has a monopoly on this pageant? He's nothing but a shrill, shallow, show-off! All style and no substance! I'll show him!"

The indignant England looked to Seychelles. "You are going to win this pageant because I am going to make sure of it!"

Outwardly, Seychelles smiled. Inwardly she was shouting,_ "Score!"_

* * *

Two hours after the meeting had been put on hold for lunch, the nations all restlessly filed back into the meeting hall. Again England and Germany were at the head of the table. Many others had curiously changed seats. Seychelles, Vietnam and Monaco were sitting at the front of the table, a place normally reserved for the more world influencing nations. Belarus was flanked by Lithuania and Poland now. Belgium and her brother Netherlands now sat next to Spain. Prussia had squeezed himself in between Austria and Hungary, much to the annoyance of the former couple.

Nobody was at all surprised that Liechtenstein was sitting beside Switzerland. Nor were they by the fact that Taiwan, Korea, and Japan were next to each other as well.

Once everyone had settled down Germany cleared his throat.

"Several nations have come forward and volunteered to judge this event." he said to the crowd. "Out of these we have selected five." Germany went right from the list in front of him, "Greece, Australia, Canada, China -"

A clamor of confused noises filled the room at the name of the judge no one was expecting. Everyone looked over to the ancient nation for an explanation.

"It's really quite simple." China said with a touch of haughtiness. "As I am the most populous nation here, not to mention the oldest, I am naturally most qualified to judge who the world says if the most beautiful."

While that was sound reasoning, several nations grumbled that a country that used to bind women's feet until they were so deformed they could no longer walk was not the best choice to judge international beauty.

"And lastly, myself." Germany finished when it had quieted down.

Several nations snickered. Germany pretended to ignore them.

"That's just great." America grumbled to Vietnam. "Greece and Australia are okay enough. And we can score easy points from my bro, but China and Germany?" He made a face like he had swallowed something unpleasant, "No taste and weird taste – that's what those two have. Nuts." He hunkered down in his chair in deep thought, a state Vietnam rarely ever saw him in. Truly the situations where America really applied himself made no any sense to her. Suddenly, he straightened up, a smile on his face.

"But if they offer us no clear advantage, at least they don't offer anyone else one either. That's good enough, I guess. I'll just have to be creative!"

A few chairs away England and France had come to similar conclusions. No doubt they could expect some family loyalty courtesy of Canada. At the center of the table Prussia, Austria and Hungary were thinking along similar lines. In their minds though, Canada was switched with Germany as the nation they hoped to score easy points from. At the end of the table Korea and Taiwan high-fived each other while Japan sat silently but looking rather pleased. Surely big brother China could be counted on to favor them.

Meanwhile, Switzerland was trying to figure out which judge was most susceptible to bribery.

"Now that this has been settled," England finally spoke up, "The opening ceremony as well as the first contest will be in one week. More information will be sent to everyone tomorrow. This meeting is adjourned!"

Everyone was talking excitedly as they left the building once more. England barely had time to react before Seychelles grabbed his hand and yanked the larger island away with her to plan for the pageant. As for everyone else, while some groups were also rushing to plan for the end of the week, most were just happy to have a show to watch in the upcoming days and stampeded out to arrange a free weekend. To avoid getting crushed by the crowd of countries in their hurry to get out, (Other large countries like America and Russia simply bowled through the mass. God help all small nations in their way.) Canada hung around in the back and waited for everyone else to disperse before going home. Unknown to certain American, English, and Frenchman, he had already resolved not to award points according to any family bias he might have. Just because America had pushed him to judge did not mean Canada would let him dictate whatever he wanted.

Shuffling along behind everyone else, Canada was just about to turn out of the room when he noticed someone was still sitting at the table. He had to squint to see who it was. Sitting on the far end, completely opposite of the side of the room Canada was on was the unmistakable figure of Ukraine. Her arms were folded up on the table and her head rested upon them. Was she sleeping?

"Ukraine?" he called out, just loud enough so that if she was awake it he would certainly get her attention.

No response. The Eastern European nation did not stir in the slightest. Had she slept through the whole meeting? With all the racket going on Canada was not sure how that was possible, Greece notwithstanding.

He thought about going over to wake her. Would it be all right to just let her stay there? He probably would not like it if he arose only to find that everyone had ditched him after a meeting. Then again, they did plenty of times anyway, regardless of whether Canada was asleep or not. Ukraine looked so peaceful too. Perhaps it would be best to just let her rest. Canada tip-toed out of the meeting hall, letting Ukraine have her beauty sleep. After all, she would undoubtedly need in for the upcoming week.

* * *

The next day, just as England has said, everybody received a formal invitation to the Miss World Beauty Pageant. Alongside the invitation was a pamphlet detailing the exact time and location of the pageant, the names and brief biographies of the contestants, and the subject of the first event. The last page had in big bold letters:_  
_

**Contest #1: Formal Wear**

* * *

Like it so far? Review if you do! Don't like it at all? Review anyway! Please! If you have any suggestions those would be welcome too!


End file.
